Midwest Tour Guide

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Michigan, Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Wyoming, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, the tourism councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're still going to get dust on your Navigator. It's called a "gravel road." I have a four wheel drive because I need it... not just to keep up with the neighbors.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring you $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for- bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you pay for one drink at the airport.

9. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the "chef salad" and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice!

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks, and tractors because they want to. So, you are a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too- and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, and 90 go East and West; Interstates 29, 35, and 55 go North and South. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot... his name is "Sir"... no matter how old he is.

Now, please, enjoy your visit. Just don't overdo your stay, we have corn to plant.